If you’re in the construction industry, you know it can be a grind. But even in this hard-nosed profession, there’s always room for a little humor.
To celebrate DIY Spotlight’s 100th post last year, I compiled a list of woodworking jokes & puns. Now, to celebrate our 200th post, I put together this new collection of funny construction jokes and tool puns for your reading pleasure.
Whether you’re a contractor, carpenter, or just someone who appreciates a good laugh, I think you’ll get a kick out of these tool jokes!
Construction Tool Puns & One Liners
- Want to hear a construction joke? Oh, never mind, I’m still working on that one.
- I thought I’d nail it with this pun, but screw it.
- Someone told me my tool puns aren’t funny. Well, I beg to differ… “awl” my tool puns are funny.
- I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
- I walked by the stud finders while at the hardware store, and you wouldn’t believe the noise…
- I lost my hand while chopping wood…it was an “axe-i-dent”.
- I found buried treasure while digging in my garden, thanks to my big-booty hoe.
- Our pick to host the Tool Awards this year? Emcee Hammer.
- Did you hear about the new way to do a bris? The rabbis now use “circum-scissors”.
- Did you hear about the new church handyman? He uses a “cathe-drill.”
- Jackhammers are incredible…a real ground-breaking innovation.
- My spirit guide was trapped in his car, and they had to use an “angel-grinder” to get him out.
- The Pentagon was originally supposed to be an octagon…but the contractor cut corners.
- I hired a snake to build my new house. He was a boa constructor.
- Because Vladamir Putin can’t lift heavy things, he needs Ukraine.
- A construction worker walked into a bar, and all his buddies laughed him.
- That documentary on the Brooklyn Bridge was very riveting.
- Construction workers take forever to propose because they’re building up to it.
- I was once offered a construction contract in Egypt…but it turns out it was just a pyramid scheme.
- The electrician did a horrible job rewiring. I was shocked.
- Don’t ever hire a construction worker as a bartender because if you order a stiff one, they’ll come back with a glass of cement.
- A construction worker was acquitted after committing a crime due to a lack of concrete evidence.
- Construction workers aren’t afraid of hard work…after all, they stand next to it every day.
- Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side in a construction accident? He’s all right now.
- A construction worker got arrested because he was handling his wood in public.
- Did you know that when you put a construction worker’s hat to your ear, you can hear the OSHA?
- The only two seasons in the Midwest are winter and construction.
- Construction workers are the worst project managers because they take forever to hammer things out.
- A guy at a bar called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he wasn’t wrong.
- A drunk construction worker hammers like lightning. He never strikes the same place twice.
Construction & Tool Jokes to Split Your Sides
1. What’s the most emotionally resilient tool?
A coping saw!
2. Why call the Avengers for a home improvement project?
Because they’re always assembling!
3. Why does Popeye’s tool never get rusty?
Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.
4. A construction worker walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt and ordered one beer for himself and one for the road.
5. What do you call a one-night stand with a construction worker?
Nut and bolt.
6. Ten construction workers are on the side of the Illinois highway working.
…There’s the joke.
7. A construction worker tragically died on his 40th birthday. He ascended to heaven, where a brass band and Saint Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter warmly shook the man’s hand and said, “Congratulations!”
The man was confused and asked, “For what?”
“For living to 160 years old!” Saint Peter replied.
The man tried to explain that Saint Peter was surely mistaken and insisted that he had only lived to be 40 years old.
“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We added up your time sheets!”
8. What is the difference between an electrician’s fart and a plumber’s fart?
An electrician’s fart has a little juice in it.
9. What does a construction worker call a botched project?
10. A dog in a hard hat walks into a bar
The dog says, “I’ll have a beer. I’m on lunch break from the construction site across the street.”
The bartender says, “Wow, you talk! You should join the circus!”
The dog replies, “Why? Do they need construction workers?”
11. Why did Santa get fired from his construction job?
He kept coming down the chimney.
12. What did the painter say to the wall?
One more crack, and I’ll plaster you!
13. A family with young children moved in next door to an undeveloped lot. One day, a construction crew arrived to build a house on a vacant property. The 5-year-old daughter of the neighboring family became interested in the activity and started talking with the construction workers. They loved having her around so much that eventually, they adopted her as their “project mascot”.
They talked with her, let her sit down with them while they had their coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little tasks to do now and then to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even gave her a pay envelope with ten dollars inside.
The little girl took the money she earned home to her mother. The next day, they went to the bank together so the little girl could start a savings account.
The teller at the bank was very impressed when she saw the little girl’s paycheck and asked her how she had gotten it.
Beaming with pride, the little girl explained that she worked alongside a construction crew to help build a house last week.
“My goodness,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall!”
14. How do you know if you have a problem with carpenter ants?
All the tiny beer cans scattered around the job site.
15. How do we know Jesus was a carpenter?
Because He showed up once 2000 years ago, and we’ve been calling Him every week since.
16. Alanzo, Carlos, and John are three construction workers are sitting on a high-up beam of their nearly finished skyscrapers. Opening his lunchbox and seeing pasta, Alanzo curses, “I swear if my wife makes me pasta again, I will throw myself off this building.” Carlos opens his lunchbox to see burritos, “I’m with you. I’m tired of cold burritos every day. If I see burritos again, I will jump.” John opens his lunchbox, “I got a bologna and cheese sandwich again. I swear to God I will jump if I get this again.”
The next day, Alanzo, Carlos, and John sit together, ready to open their lunches. Taking a deep breath, Alanzo opens his lunchbox and sees pasta. With a sigh, he stands up and throws himself off the skyscraper to his death. Carlos opens his lunch box to see a burrito. Wiping away a tear, he stands and throws himself to his death. John opens his lunchbox and finds a bologna and cheese sandwich. He stands and throws himself off the beam.
At the funeral, Alanzo’s wife cries, “If I knew he was tired of my pasta, I would have never made it for him, and he would never have jumped.” Next to her, Carlos’s wife is crying, “If I knew my Carlos didn’t like my burritos, I would never have made them, and he would never have jumped.” Both women then look at John’s wife, who says, “Well, don’t look at me. He made his own lunch.”
17. A young, burly construction worker once stated that he could beat anyone in a physical challenge. He took particular pleasure in mocking one of the older workers on the job site.
Finally, the older worker had had enough. “If you’re so confident,” he challenged, “I bet a week’s worth of wages that I can wheel something in this wheelbarrow over to that building, and you won’t be able to wheel it back.”
The reply came back confidently, “You’re on, old man. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
The old man reached for the wheelbarrow and nodded to the young man. “All right,” he said. “Get in.”
18. Why should you always invite electricians to the party?
They always bring strippers
19. What tool do Eskimo construction workers use the most?
20. What brand of power tool does Chris Brown use?
Black & Decker
21. What medicine was once used as a power tool?
22. Why was the construction worker so in love with his power saw?
Because it always reciprocated.
23. Why were all the lumberjack’s tools broken?
Because of the axedent.
24. Why shouldn’t you ever try to write a book about sanding?
It’s hard to figure out whether it should be “friction” or “non-friction”
25. What tool does Snoop Doggs use for woodworking?
Four chisels, my nizzle.
26. What tool do you use to open an egg?
27. What is an astronaut’s favorite power tool?
An orbital sander
28. What is Pinocchio’s father’s favorite woodworking tool?
A Geppetto file (ok, ok, so that one’s kind of in poor taste…but still hilarious.)
29. My dad always said that a poor craftsman blames his tools.
I can’t help thinking that maybe he wouldn’t be so poor if he had better tools.
30. What does a Polish army medic use for surgery?
31. How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a construction worker?
Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized.”
If you’re looking for more fun content like this, be sure to check out “20 Laser Puns to Split Your Sides”.