Today, we’re taking a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you the best woodworking jokes and puns around! Many of them have been hand-selected from the Internet’s finest…but I came up with a few original creations myself as well.
So without further ado, I give you 50 of the best woodworking jokes and woodworking puns you’ll find anywhere!
Woodworking Puns
Who doesn’t love some good punnery and wordplay? We don’t have enough of that in our lives, if you ask me. So for your reading and comedic pleasure, here are 25 amazing woodworking puns I found!
1) A woodworker’s response to stupid things…
“Birch, please!”
2) After his work with the Avengers was complete, the Hulk opened a custom woodworking business.
Its name? “Bruce Banisters”.
3) Did you hear about the Lumberjack serial killer? He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is what made him so famous.
Problem was, every once in a while, these guys would come out of the woodwork.
4) Want to know how to become a good woodworker?
Just take it whittle by whittle.
5) I know a few jokes about carpentry…
I just wasn’t sure if they woodwork.
6) Do you know why woodworkers always get so mixed up at the airport?
Because they can never find the right plane.
7) Why do banks hate woodworkers?
Because all they ever want to do is open up a “shavings account”.
8) When you get a second, I need to axe you a question.
But if I need to, I’ll just shave it for later.
9) They say the furniture in Denver is very sturdy.
Folks from Colorado make a good joint, no pun in tenon.
10) What do corporate woodworkers do when they need to discuss their next project?
They have a board meeting!
11) Woodworkers are hard partiers, because…
They’re known to have some pretty lathe nights!
12) I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true- I saw it with my own eyes!
13) You should see the tools in my workshop…
They’re actually quite riveting!
14) Women love me,
Trees fear me.
15) A guy I know got his kids a wooden horse for Christmas…
He found it at Troys R’ Us.
16) “Hey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”
“I don’t know. Let me check the logs.”
17) A woodworker accidentally sawed off his left hand.
The doctors said he will be all right.
18) My woodworker friend brought me a single plank of wood at 5 o’clock today…
But I was mad, because he was supposed to bring 2 by 4!
19) A woodworking enthusiast pulled up to his doctor’s office in his truck…
It took him a while to find the right kind of spruce, but he finally had the stool samples the doctor requested.
20) I once dated a woodworker who worked too much. So I told her to choose: “It’s me or your tools.”
She chose the ladder.
21) I once saw a woodworker throw a long, pointed tool into another long pointed tool…
Awl in awl, it was a cool experience.
22) What do you call a Middle Eastern woodworker?
Ahmed Ahshed.
23) Yew wood think coming up with woodworking jokes would be easy…
But I’m really coming up plank. I maple out my worst wood puns instud.
24) My mom’s sister is a woodworker…
So I guess you can say she’s a carpenter aunt.
25) Woodworkers are easy to get Christmas gifts for…
Because all they want for Christmas is Yew.
Best Woodworking Jokes
If you’re tired of the woodworking puns (like that’s possible) here are 25 woodworking jokes to keep it going!
1) Anyone who doesn’t think money grows on trees…
Clearly hasn’t bought any lumber lately.
2) Home repair is an addiction…
Because you’re always looking for your next fix!
3) It’s not a mistake…
It’s a design feature.
4) What happens when a woodworker and his wife get drunk?
He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
5) What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?
In the end, both are lucky if they can produce a stool.
6) Jesus once said “He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword”.
He was a carpenter who died from being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have a point there.
7) What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Board!
8) Have you heard the “under construction” joke?
It’s not done yet.
9) Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?
It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
10) The girl was a woodworker’s dream…
She was flat as a board, and had never been screwed.
11) Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, “What was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”
The other replied, “Tiiiiimmmber!”
12) What do you call a sportscar built out of Italian wood?
A Lumberghini!
13) When is a piece of wood made King?
When it becomes a ruler.
14) A carpenter ant walked into a saloon and asked…
“Where’s the bar tender?”
15) If you’re ever worried that a woodworker might be going insane, just ask him if he has too many clamps…
If he says yes, seek help immediately.
16) My brother accidentally fell on his table saw…
So now he’s my half-brother.
17) What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?
Ark-n-Saw.
18) Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?
Because He got too attached to his work.
19) A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. The man said, “Shingles.” So she took down his name, address, medical insurance information,and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked the man what he had. The man said, “Shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told the man to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked the man what he had. The man said, “Shingles.” So she gave the man a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, then told him to remove all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later, the doctor came in and asked the now fully-nude man what he had. The man said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
The man said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want ’em?”
20) A woodworker had a neighbor who always borrowed his tools and never returned them. One day, finally fed up with this, he called his neighbor.
Could I put my table saw and drill press in your garage?” he inquired.
“Sure,” his neighbor replied, ” But why?”
” Just so I can have all my tools in one place!”
21) What do you call a tool covered in Sriracha that’s used to cut wood in half?
A hot saws.
23) What do you call it when you make a piece of wood so shiny you can barely see it?
A varnishing act.
24) Why does Geppetto continue his relationship with Pinocchio, even though Pinocchio lies all the time?
He really just needs the wood.
25) One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
“Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter replied that his ax had fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.
“Is this your ax?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. “Is this your ax?” the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. “Is this your ax?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and always for the benefit of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.
Wrapping it Up
I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t seriously enjoy tracking down and creating this huge list of woodworking jokes and woodworking puns. I love writing scroll saw reviews and other DIY pieces too, but it was definitely nice to deviate from the norm for a change.
I hope you enjoyed reading this list at least half as much as I did writing it! If you enjoyed this piece, you should check out 61 Hysterical Tool Jokes & Puns for Construction Workers.
Ciao for now!
Sources:
http://www.benchnotes.com/Humour/woodworking_jokes.htm
https://kidadl.com/articles/wood-puns-that-are-solidly-funny
https://www.sawdustzone.org/forum/discussions/around-the-coffee-pot/53310-woodworking-one-liners
